Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
