Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
