An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
