If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
