I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
