I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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