it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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