The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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