Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
