Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
