i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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