please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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