it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
