he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
