after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
