I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
