If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
