We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
