i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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