apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
