I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
