I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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