I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
