im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
