She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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