You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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