Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
