Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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