Swine flu. Run for my life!
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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