why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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