My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
