if only i could text you this smell
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
