i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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