you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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