she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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