I will die if light touches me.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
