Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
