I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
