How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
