my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
