NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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