I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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