Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
