census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
