that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
