I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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