ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
