do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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