At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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