OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Send help, water and tortillas.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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