I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
