Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
