Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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