I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She made me pour olive oil on her.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
