do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
