Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
