Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
