Pregnant stripper...not hot.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
