Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
