Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
