Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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