If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
