Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
